Know when to hold um, know when to fold um

TW – Suicidal thoughts.

For the last month plus my Dr and I have been on a quest together to switch my anti depressants. And today that quest ended.

I’ve been on citalopram for 14 years in various dosages but for the last maybe 9/10 years it’s been a steady 40mg. For those of you wondering what that means – 40mg is the highest legal dose that you can be prescribed. At one point I was on 60mg before they changed that rule for whatever reason and 40mg has been my regular dosage.

Between lockdown and the chronic pain though its been queried wither or not the citalopram was actually doing its job anymore. So, where many professionals have suggested but been too scared to pull the trigger, my Dr decided we should try if I felt up to it.

I agreed and let me tell you SSRI withdrawal is no joke. Holy shit! 

I’ve had some bad days before but mixed with the pain in my abdomen, that was fucked up. I became a walking talking vibrator, stuck on a thrill setting. I was jumping between horrible sweats that would soak my top enough I had to change, and cold spells where I was under 9 blankets and was still shivering. The most fun one was the hallucinations though. I created a wee horror movie in my own mind. Every time I walked out my bathroom, I was convinced there was someone/something standing at the corner. That one was particularly useful when I went for a late-night pee, the anxiety would keep me up and I’m sure my quarterly electricity bill will be up too as I just kept the lights on.

I’ve never felt the need to try hallucinogenic drugs before, and if the withdrawal from the citalopram was any indicator, I made the right decision.

So, did I manage to come off and start something new? Did I fuck! But that’s OK. 

I’m not mad at my Dr, who was very apologetic on the phone today for suggesting we switch to something different, cause we managed to answer a question I’ve been wondering for a long time. “Do I really need this medication?” Yes. Yes, I really do. And I answered her question too ... “is the citalopram doing its job?” Yes, yes it was. Cause this past couple of weeks I have been holding on by the skin of my teeth and a couple of times I almost gave up. It takes a lot for me to admit to people when I’m not coping but I’ve openly said to 3 people now (Inc Dr) that I AM NOT OK!

Thankfully I have a Dr who not only listens but actively tries to help. So, from today I will go back into 20mg, then in a few days 30mg, and if needed a few days after that 40mg and we’ll bring in a psychiatrist to recommend next chemical steps as I’m already speaking to a CPN.

So today marks the end of our experiment and thank fuck because I’ve got to the point now that I’ve made notes to family on what I want my funeral to be like and who gets what, which, let’s be honest, is a terrifying thought all on its own. And I don’t think my 2-year-old niece has a need for 4 large bee blankets.

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