I’m feeling so great today and I feel like I’ve made such a huge positive step in life, both in my relationship and for my mental health.

Let me tell you how – I saw my man!

Its so simple sounding but after 152 days apart it was really starting to bother me. My overthinking started to make me think we were in real trouble as a couple and I missed him so much that I was really, desperately unhappy. He said he was feeling the same but as he’s always been one to downplay his feelings, so I started to doubt he really did miss me. Completely unfair to him and 100% my bad. I guess that’s part of the joys of my crappy mental health though, I can overthink myself into an abyss.

I had really started to get down and it got to a point that I needed to make a real and proper change before I got to the point of no return. So, I made choices. And one of them was I was gonna work towards getting my agoraphobia under control so I could go see him.

And I did it. It took me a little over a month, but I bloody did it and I made it without having a panic attack in public. Hells yeah!

Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t easy. I really had to focus my brain and work with my GP and therapist, but it was worth it in the end as I got to be in his arms again.

And now I feel back on an even keel.

He is my anchor. My light in the darkness that is my messed-up mind and without him I spiralled so hard. Imagine it like being on a seesaw, I was either totally up or totally down but never level. Yet after being with him, simply existing, I felt safe. I felt comfortable in my own skin for the first time in 2021 and I felt like I was going to be ok. Its both amazing and terrifying in equal measure.

I think it has a lot to do with us having the added BDSM dynamic in our relationship. There is a connection to him that I've never experienced before which in the wrong hands could really mess me up, but I have so much trust in him and the knowledge that he won’t intentionally hurt me and that is so freeing.

How that works, I have no clue, but it does and I’m grateful for it.