Sex and chronic pain

I’ve been feeling kinda down the last week. More so than normal. I’ve been dealing with a bad pain flare that just won’t fuck off and I found out last Friday that my biopsy came normal.

Now I know that I should be glad. I mean it could have come back something really horrible but at the same time having a normal result means that I’m back to square one with trying to figure out what’s going wrong inside me. And that’s the part that I’m struggling with. It’s been a year now. A year of random intense pain mixed with bouts of failing mental health and I’m kinda done. I wanted to know what was going on so I can get it fixed but instead I’m just stuck here in pain still.

I don’t care what anyone says, pain changes people. It changes how you feel about life and it changes how you think. Not knowing if you’re going to wake up in the morning and be able to move freely is depressing. Having to worry about making plans in case on the day you’re about as much use as a chocolate teapot. And then there is sex. I’m not as able to get my freak on like I’m used to and it’s frustrating.

I’m not sure wither B also dealing with chronic pain makes it easier or worse either. Part of me thinks that at least if B is in pain too then he won’t be mad at me if I can’t have sex, but then that falls apart because he would NEVER be mad at me anyway. If I told him, I didn’t wanna have sex he wouldn’t ever make me feel bad about it. So that leaves me with cons.

I’m scared to hurt B now when we have sex. Where my pain is abdominal, his is skeletal. His (rather incompetent) Dr’s can’t decide if it’s his spine, if it’s arthritis in his hip, if it’s his discs or if it’s his sciatic nerve. All of which I can imagine will be made worse if he has a plus size nymphor bouncing on him. And although him on top is my favourite position, I’m kinda scared to ask him to bang me like the bottom of a ketchup bottle cause I know he wants to but I don’t know that physically he can handle it. I don’t ever want him to feel bad about our sex life. It’s such a fun, important part of a relationship, I never ever want him to associate it with negativity. I’ve lived that life and it kills couples.

I’m trying to come to terms with my new normal. It’s not easy but I’m gonna have to get on board. What I’m not ready to accept though is not having a sex life. I will cry repeatedly and possibly break stuff if I can’t get that itch at least a little scratched.






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