I feel broken

 It's not a good day and I'm feeling kinda hopeless at the moment.

Back in May I made the decision to start driving lessons. I was at the end of my rope mentally and the "intrusive thoughts", or brain goblins as I call them were starting to make sense. Which is never good. I had hit rock bottom and I had to make the decision to either do something drastic positively, or I wasn’t going to make it. So, I asked around, made some calls and I booked my first lesson.

I loved it. I felt like it was something I was meant to do and my instructor said I was a natural at it. I had found my key. The way out of this cage I found myself in. Agoraphobia at least for me is centred around busy public spaces. Buses for example trigger me slightly as it feels overwhelming. The sounds, the smells, people moving about, being enclosed ... it makes me agitated and causes anxiety to build. Yet being in a car (an admittedly smaller enclosed space) I can deal with. It gives me a bit of normal life too. I can jump in the car and go see B, I can take a trip down to see my family in England. Fuck I could go to a 24h Tesco at 10pm when it's quiet and do my shopping. It means freedom.

Today that freedom was almost taken away from me.

I was driving along quite able when my left leg seized up and I couldn't push the clutch down. No big deal except I was at a busy round about and since the car behind me saw me start to move off, moved forward. I stalled the car and couldn't push my foot down to restart the car, with traffic queuing behind me. It was the first time my body acted up during a driving lesson and it was at the worst possible time. For the first time I felt anxiety behind the wheel and I hated myself for it. How dare those goblins touch this. Driving is mine. Its the thing I look forward to. Its the thing that will hopefully give me a bit of my life back, and here they are somehow contaminating it.

I got us into town, where I was getting dropped off for a doctors appointment and my instructor spoke to me. He said he can tell on the days when I'm in pain. When I'm pain free I'm changing gears no problem, Great clutch control. But on my pain days its not as smooth. He recommended I try an automatic car and focus on that. My heart sank a little but at least its a way to still learn to drive.

Still angry at myself I went for a coffee before my Dr's appointment and whole sitting there I was getting more and more frustrated. For over 6 months now I've been having issues with my back. I can only walk for so long before my spine almost locks. The muscles around my ribs start to tighten and it makes breathing harder and my left leg seizes up. Sciatica was discussed before so I was put on gabapentin and told to keep taking the co-codamol. It's usually only been an issue when I'm walking or lifting things so I tend to plan days of rest in between. It's restrictive but doable. Till today at least.

I got to the doctors and my GP called me in. She saw how I was walking and was instantly worried. Some poking, prodding, pushing and pulling later she was even more worried. There is deterioration of muscle movement in my left leg and she's not sure if it's muscles spasming or nerve damage. More pills. More referrals and while there more bloods and I'm home with strict instruction to stay in this weekend and take heavy duty narcotics. She was clearly worried and after her warning; if at any point I expel my bladder or bowels without realising/feeling I was doing it, I've to go straight to the hospital. I'm now worried.

Scratch that, I'm devastated.

Slowly but surely my body is breaking down and I can't seem to stop it. While waiting for tests I'm in limbo and due to Covid there is such a huge backlog I have no idea when those referrals will be picked up. Till then I'm just here, angry at my body for failing me.

People keep telling me not to be angry but it's not that easy. It's hard not to be angry when I feel like parts of my life are being taken away from me. I'm not even 35 and yet I have the body of someone you'd expect to be in there late 80s. I'm angry and if I'm honest with myself I'm scared. This started as blood in my stool and now I'm facing possible nerve damage - which isn't even connected to the possible IBD that they are looking at. I have no idea what could happen next and its terrifying cause while no one knows what's going to happen, my body is clearly malfunctioning.

I feel broken.

No comments