Keep on keeping on


I managed my driving lesson and I’m so relieved.

This past weekend has been a bit of a blur. I was on a lot of heavy-duty pain killers and there are parts of the weekend I don’t fully remember. Understandable and I guess why I was put on bed rest. Yesterday though I reduced my meds. Probably not a good idea but I needed to be functional today as it was my first lesson in an automatic car and I needed to be alert.

My lesson went great. Was a little strange at first as every previous lesson starts with the clutch but today was clutch free – which subsequently meant I ended the lesson relatively pain free. I’m not saying the clutch was the cause of the issue cause obviously that’s not the case but being able to rest my left leg made a world of difference. And bonus points, the instructor has space for me as I can learn during school hours as opposed to the youngsters learning who need after school times. Score one for the old biddy.

It’s made me feel a little hopeful again. That although it’s not the original plan, it’s still going to get me to the end goal – learning to drive. And with zero anxiety today too, I’m hopeful that last Friday will have just been a glitch.

I’m determined to maintain some form of normality throughout all this. Even if it means having to do things I might not have considered before. Like a walking stick for example. The GP had suggested it to help steady me but to me that’s something that older people need, not me. But that’s my pride getting in my way and I need to accept that. If a walking stick will help me move about then so be it. Which leads me to a mobility scooter. I can’t walk long distances, even with the stick and that stops me being able to do things with M that I wanna be able to do. 

He wants to go to Glasgow this Christmas like we used to do. He seems to be trying to get a bit of normality back too and I want to give him that so badly. After Covid and then my health deteriorating, he deserves something as simple as a day out with his mum. But the only way I can do that is via a scooter or a wheelchair. It’s not where I thought I would end up. It’s quite upsetting to feel so betrayed by my body and part of me feels like it’s disrespectful to people who need chairs full time but again that’s my pride. My need is valid. I have a disability and I need to get my head round it sooner or later, to try and recover a least some of the enjoyable parts of life. Plus I would give that boy the world if I could so I need to do what ever it takes.

Pride be damned!

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