Hard pill to swallow

I’m feeling a bit meh just now about the hospital appointment and I don’t know what to think.

It’s been three days since my consultation with the surgeon and I’m still trying to process everything.

Hospitals for me are hard places to be because they bring back lots of painful memories. I can’t help but associate then with pain and death, so being in them gives me serious anxiety. On Tuesday I had my appointment with the surgeon to discuss the severe pain in my abdomen.

The GP was bouncing between Crohn’s and colitis but was also thinking it could be related to the sexy gallstones I grew myself. So, I got put on wait lists and my turn came up.

After a chat and an examination (including a finger up the butt which I wasn’t expecting) the surgeon agrees it’s looking a lot like either Crohn’s, Colitis or Celiac disease. He wants a look inside so is booking me in for an endoscopy so he can do an intestinal biopsy.

And I’m kinda scared.

I know for some people it seems silly. It’s just a procedure, no big woop, but I can’t help how I feel and since it’s happening to me, I think my feelings are valid.

All three of his guesses are life changing and that’s a big deal. I don’t know what each of them entails as I don’t feel ready to fully research into it all yet. I tried on Tuesday to learn about the procedure and it flung up words like “tumour" and I just closed the page. In 99.8% it’s nothing like that but then the brain goblins remind me I have cancer genes on my maternal grandmother’s side and my maternal grandfather’s side there has been A LOT of cancer so I can’t help but be cautious.

Whatever the diagnosis is, each of those prospects are chronic illnesses. That means I’m going to have to learn to adapt my life yet again. It’s a little overwhelming having yet another thing go wrong with my body when I was kinda hoping it would be a case of remove my gallbladder and I’m all good. Mentally I’ve been struggling and the pain I’ve been in is horrendous but now I’m going to have to accept that no actually this isn’t a quick fix. This is something I’m going possibly live with forever.

It’s a hard pill to swallow.

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